Friday, August 14, 2026.

Hewo hewo my darlings, how have you been? "( – ⤙ – ) Me in particular i've been quite bored and lightly sad throughout today..

I've done a bit of the usual,, i've played some Minecraft, took Mei-Mei on a walk twice, chatted with some people online, been watching some videos and doing a very teeny tiny of progress on my sonas redesign,, and uhh,, yeah,, (｡•́︿•̀｡) im just gonna say it you already might know where this is going, im feeling lonely.

I've gotta say that redacting blog entries has been one of my most effective coping mechanism to deal with my loneliness, (Or my whole website for that matter). It has allowed me express myself with some eagerness, cus, unlike a diary/journal on which i were the only to have access to, i'd feel like, id be talking to a wall and leaving all of those feeling dormant at the bottom of my heart.
And may i say, its not like I need an audience neither,, (or so i think,, well,, it would certainly be nice,, but i don't think i'd die neither if i never were to have one)..

I just,, if i were to now cut ties with this website, that would essentially leave me with absolutely no form of communication with anybody other than my family, and i do know well that there's no chance in earth that i am meeting anybody of my like irl any time soon. I live most of my life indoors because i can't be accepted as who i want to be out-there. And that's just one of the many other issues, neither I could just approach a random stranger and present myself expecting to get any sort of engagement in exchange, and EVEN if that also weren't a problem, what are the chances that i were to be someone they'd like to hang out with? OR/AND the opposite!! What are the chances that they turn out to be one that i'd like to hang out with?
Yes, i know („– ֊ –„), that's the point of meeting someone to a surface level, but imagine how slim my chances are with the current lifestyle i carry that i don't intend to change with my current job, which consists on doing my tasks on my laptop from home.
And the best chance i've ever had at socializing is, for better or for worse, has been Neocities itself.

Never have i gained so much attention from just,, being myself (っ╥﹏╥ς), if I were to disappear out of the blue right now, at-least i would have left some little proof of my existence,, because other than my website, there is very little else that i could ever be worth being remembered for.. my depression hasn't allowed me to work on any other personal projects such as my dream game, and i don't think ill be any capable of overcoming my burnout for a very very long time. The best I can do as of now are some raw-looking doodles that take me ages to make and this website that's been held together with duct tape (please don't look at the source code T-T its embarrassing and a disgrace to my profession, I don't know when ill do a second revision).

So,, yeah,, despite all of the attention i never thought id gain so soon, i've been missing to talk about my feelings on a conversation, i've been missing to feel used to a familiar and comforting presence, and i've been missing to feel listened and understood when times are particularly tough, and i've specially missed to have someone to constantly ask the same question to help me cope with my paranoia, the millionth asked question: "Am i going to be okay? Am i going to die?", because my anxiety grows too much over long periods of time that are too unrealistically calm in contrast to what i've been mostly used to, that it feels like im missing something very important that im unaware of, or the unsettling probability of something very catastrophic that is about to fall onto me as consequence to the excess of tranquility or joy that i don't feel like i deserve to have.

(´；ω；`) Dear reader, thanks for sticking to the end, i figure it must be much harder to read this whole slop of text without many kaomojis or proper paragraphing, and even more when im just going wawa over most of my blog entries which must be tiring to

❤︎ Ashley.